this is grace gone deep

Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know You more

As the waters cover the sea
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on
Roads unknown
I trust in You alone

My Saving Grace
My Endless Love
Deeper and deeper
Im falling in love with You
My One Desire
My Only Truth
Deeper and deeper im falling in love with You

And I with rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love

-Saving Grace by Michelle Fragar, Hillings United Live Best Friend album 2000

Father God,
Yet again, I thank You for Your saving grace that pulled me through. Today during praise celebration, even while ps.Gloria was still preaching, I felt a huge sense of Thanksgiving. felt like my heart was in my throat! felt like standing up and prasing God while the message was still going on..!! this is not the 1st time i felt like this. But then i thought, ushers would escort me out.. hahaha nyway, although still sitting down, dunno y already started crying, like Holy Spirit was already ministering to me then and there, DONT NEED AN ALTAR CALL! Im finally out of the narrow place! im liberated! free! full of peace, thankfulness, totally in awe. When ps.Gloria said, when you are getting stuck, or already stuck, you feel that you cant move left, right, front or back.. people would go down.. But dont do it! the best thing to do is to look UP! i think back in the past 2 years, thats exactly what iv been doing! looking up! often getting neck ache also! (*joking)

God pulled me through! Im in my Promised Land now! UCSI seemed like an unreachable place 2 years ago. Its my promised land for 2 reasons:

1. to get my long awaited degree, something that nearly got out of my sight if it werent for God reminding me, that He promised that i would have it.
2. God mentioned that with the process of getting that degree, my mission was also to take the university for God. to cause transformation and a revolution in the campus. and He assured me that this couldnt happen if i did it alone. Therefore, encouraging me to join the local CF, spreading the wildfire of the Holy Spirit through the CF. He also told me o get prepared for signs and wonders, healings and deliverances happening in the campus through the CF! but ONLY if we believed God for it. ONLY IF we desired and looked to God for it, and not at our abilities and strengths.

Im still in the process of fitting in Uni. With exams and assignments pilling by the day, doing all this seems like climbing mountains. But then again, God pulled me through the alomost impossible before.. He's going to do it again! More powerfully, and so obviously that all.. ALL would see and know that God's hand is upon the campus. and that every believer and un-beliver in in His heart.

That's what is in God's heart

quotes from Joel Houston. again~

hehe couldnt resist the urge of quoting him here. its not so much of the person, but the amount of things that goes on inside the person. i wonderrrr and wonder how and how much God speaks to this person. and how much he in return has caught hold of God's every word, lives, drinks and feeds on it as though its the only means of food he has to survive.

and then, he pours it out into writing and melodies given by God Himself. This then brings out the raw and obsolute power of God whenit is sung and spoken out into the atmosphere. The praising, worshipping, proclaiming, and prophesying through these songs, has caused the heart of a listener like me, to be completely broken into pieces until i feel like that there nothing left.

Songs like: Take it all, From the inside out, None but Jesus (BrookeFraser),The Stand, Hallelujah, Lead me to the cross(BrookeFraser),Found, Hosanna, Never let me go, and Solution, even Take all of me(marty sampson), sing(Your love)(reuben morgan), and Forever(marty sampson). All these have transformed my life to where i am right now.

it was in worshipping with these songs, and ofcoz with the correct heart, i made it to the secret place. being broken time after time after time, surrendering many things wasnt easy. each time, it felt like a part of my heart was being torn away. in the process, God assured me and showed me that every part He takes away was actually bad parts. Things like wrong behaviours, wrong attitudes, complaints, wrongly set priorites, all were taken away one by one. Thats the hard part. God tears it away one by one, not all at one go. I used to ask God, wuldnt it be easier and less work for him and less painful for me if it all was settled at 1 go?

cant wait for the quotes. here goes..

on the plan of doing the I-Heart Revolution 08

"and besides, since when has this thing been in any way, shape or form reliant on whether WE could make it happen...NEVER.. and when did we start categorising ourselves with "every other artist"..??? the very nature of what we do is different.. this is way bigger than all of that.. and so, once again God got a chance to make himself known in our weakness.. we found ourselves falling once again on our need for Him to come through with the goods - and that's exactly where God wanted us to be.."

This experience of walking on water and relying on nothing else but plain faith is universal. Many times, almost everytime actually..id come to this stage and say "God, iv come so far, what next?" then really amazingly, the "next" happens right in front of you and you walk through it yet again.

"as soon as we started thinking and prayin about it - opening our hearts and eyes and ears to what God might be wanting to do.. it became screamingly obvious.. this thing was gonna be all out.. and that's how we approached it.. in every aspect.. everyone involved has given everything they have to making every element of this album everything it had to be.. and in the midst of it God became everything we desired for it..

yep.. it's different.. but it's still the sound of real people getting real with a real God... it's in the studio, but there's no fancy, fancy or over-indulgent production trickery.. we laboured to write the best songs we could.. not just lyrics bending around melody over a bed of instrumentation in a way that would "work in church"... but we chased hard after the heart of God.. searching and pursuing the right words.. pushing ourselves to find the right melodies.. not just playing our instruments.. but worshipping with them.."

it was a beautiful way of doing it.. just forgetting we'd pressed record at times.. and letting the song and the Spirit have their way..

it's about a selfless faith.. the call to love.. the pursuit of justice and helping others.. the hope and freedom we have in Christ.. and the truth of the gospel in a world that is searching.."

i wake up every morning, and remind myself of my role to play for that day. That im not in this alone coz He is with me. Id lay hands and He'd heal, Id pray and He'd answer that prayer, I'd command and He'd cast out the evil spirits, I'd proclaim His name and He'd show up, I'd go evangelism and He'd speak and touch the heart of the seeker. Reminding myself moment by moment, I want to be good hand and good feet for God.

asssignments GALORE in the narrow place.. Gliterry but NOT glamourous

just finished my second mid-term paper. one more to go next week. then its... prepare for Finals!!

actually i can hardly believe everything thats been happening. Entering 4th week of my Uni life and already stressing about deadlines and finals. ahahah i guess this is what is expected of a short sem.. assignments are like mountains. tall, wide and steep. must start moving them.

thanks to a few entertainers, i just had a good laugh. Someone's chatbox converted into war zone.. Blog owner also innocently kena shot.

i just bought some hair dye.. mite dye my hair. But when i brought the box home, realize that its actually quite dark also, colour might not come out.. see how.

Choky-Choky, 1 is enough =)

tired. =P in cell group the other we were talking about what we do when we feel sad, stressed or just feel down.. some go shopping, eating, to go sleep, isolate themselves in the room, buy small but expensive things, go out with friends, or just laze around at home.. hahah mine was to get an EXPENSIVE branded blended drink.. it must be expensive and branded and something made out of coffee.. and perhaps.. something else thats small, smells good, branded and expensive as well teeHEee.. people who know me well enuff could guess this.

although we all know that this must never be someting we resort to when emotions get knocked off balance when things dont go the way we should, we're still aware that being human, its just natural.. and being girls, its EVEN more natural..rite rite?

i just had a really bad start to the day.. its funny how when you see something that reminds you about things that has happened years ago, can still affect you and bring all those emotions back.. as though it just happened yesterday. i was driving to a memorial service this morning, when as soon as i drove out my house lane, i saw an ambulance parked outside a distant neighbour's house. I slowed down too see and right enough, the vehicle was there to take away a dead person. My thoughts flashed back to 2 years a go when the same ambulance was outside my house, waiting to take my grandpa away. The time it took for the thing to actually arrive was agonising. I remember i was in a state of being completely lost in thoughts, didnt know what to think about. At one moment he was there looking up at me, as i turned my head then back again at him, he was gone. Just in a split second. I wonder if thats really how its going to be when Jesus comes back to get us. The bibke says that we'll be gone in a blink of an eye. and thats exactly how it was. He just might have been the first person that saw me when i was born; and i was the last person he saw before God took him back. The final gaze.. meant so much. At that very moment, it felt shattering, painful beyond words. He was one of the most important people in my life. Even now, after nearly 2 years, i still get choked up thinking about that last gaze. People who never saw it, could never feel it, and wpould never be able to understand how it feels. I feel privileged and honoured. Certainly re-living the moment can often be not such a good thing, but it does remind you of your priorities in life, brings you back to your roots, and propels you to into the future.

I want to live the life my grandpa had lived. Full of dignity, strength, confidence, kindness, goodness, generosity, love and integrity. No, i want to live it even better. The kind of standard God has for me. Everything I am, for His kingdom's cause.

My cell leader often conforted me in saying that, it's ok to still be sad and feel at loss, even after many years. But that softness and vuneribility must bring out the best in you. It must cause you to get up and move on. I've moved on with God. But still learning and still letting go of many things. As someone wrote, surrendering is never as easy doing it only once. It takes place everytime we come into God's presence. Im very down today, but its ok.

I bought a packet of Choky-Choky this morning. and promised myself to stop crying after i finished 1 Choky-Choky. Then I move on with God and....

how easy is it to believe in the supernatural? If God is not the Lord of lords, He's not God at all

too many things have been happening in the past 2 weeks. its ok, is all good things.

i remember in my last post or something i mentioned about my head getting stuck in the 'clouds', feeling airheaded and the likes. It all happened after the alter call 2 sundays ago. i was enlightened to a very profound revelation of the Great Commission in my own life. was given a vision very dear to me by God about His glory. The whole experience itself, being filled entirely, every part, every inch, every cell of my body with God's very own spirit. It was the secret place. I was defying gravitiy in the secret place.

then again. this all sounds very unreal to many others. uncomprehendable.. what more to experience it?

i think if you were to ask a person on the street, what he thinks about the supernatural? he would definately talk about evil spirits, ghosts, toyols, pontianak, their dead ancestors, and the likes. the list really doesnt end.

BUT

what about God?

then. THEN.. they will say that dont believe in such things.. that God is a concept or something generated by the minds of few over enthusiastic people groups who call themselves Christians.

if He is really as limited as a concept, then what about the mind-blowing, unthinkable things He's done? Dying for undeserving, disobedient mankind? Mankind who traded their God-given lives, and chose the lesser portion the devil had to offer.

what other bizarre stuff had He done? Things that were SEEN WITH OUR VERY EYES!
Heal terminal diseases, cancers?
Rebuild and restore lives broken by anguish, deep sorrow and humanly unforgivable crimes?
Renewing the minds of the worst crimanls, addicts, sexual perverts, people with animal desires, homosexuals?
Saving people who brought for themselves unthinkable huge financial debts?
how? WHY?

what my small brain can make out of this is that- This is a God. Humans arent even as close to Him.

Going back to spirits. what have evil spirit done to save us?
3D figures to strike the jackpot?
moving 50sen coins around when u ask them to?
spooking and tormenting children out of their beds? and later to cause them fear for the rest of their lives
stealing peace, kill off joy and destroying hope in peoples lives?
People whom God made for Himself to love in the first place!!!

mahnn thinking about this really frusts me up.

i feel really really REALLY bad not being able to tell this to so many people that i love so dearly in my life. people who have grown up with me, seen me through thick and thin, and will forever be friends no matter what.

what iv made out of these pass few weeks of a deep feelings of sadness, constantly bothering me. i havent been able to eat well, sleep well or stay awake well enough. this love is painful, heavy and probably would burst open a heart if left ignored. exaggerating? its no joke.

i will talk about this love. shout & scream about it if i need to. i maybe ignored, laughed at, boycotted, given a cold shoulder, cut away from long friendships, being thought of as a freak. but its ok. i rather get this love note out and save a life from hell than to suffer guilt of not doing anything about it.

THIS is what i want to talk about. This is the lyrics from the song The Stand by Joel Houston> Hillsongs United. it speaks my heart and the all the noise that has been going on in my head, of what God had done for me and to me when i said this to Him. This changed my life.

You stood before creation
Forever within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon
Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
And what could I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

The thing of surrendering your soul -mind & emotions to God is that, HE takes it pours into it His amazing love, grace, hope, and His very own life. Then gives it back to you to go and touch another. We then walk around like little containers filled so full with love we cannot control but to spill it into lives around us.

This is my prayer for you who have not experienced of even never heard of all this before.

Dear Father,
I thank You for dying for and forgiving us- undeserving and often ungrateful children. I finally understand how much You love us and want to have a real relationship with us, which was Your plan from the very beginning. You call us by name. I realize that sin- the uncountable wrong things we've done, and even the right things that we didnt do, have separated us from You. Because You are a Holy God and cannot tolerate what is not good. I believe that You loved us so much, that You stepped down from Your throne unto earth just to die to save us personally from eternal separation from You. You couldnt bare to let us go. I invite You into my life to be my God and Saviour. I want to experience You in a way so real that no one could deny Your existence. Make me the kind of person that You want me to be. Your child, heir,.. dearly loved, richly blessed, and powerfully anointed by You. Come dear God, i want to know You. By faith i believe that You are with me. In Jesus name in pray and thank You dear God.

wifi at Uni

cool.. managed to confugure the wifi settings properly. and now im online in library. the speed is a real relief compared to dialling up at home. haha i actually managed to watch Brooke Frasers' mtv of Deciphering Me on YouTube. This is a wonderrrr.

I wonder why lecturers end their classes so way ahead of time? every 2 and 3 hours is cut short to 1. My 8-11am class ended at 9.15.. hmm.. doesnt feel right.

Maybe cause iv got my expectations of many things too high. Like what lihan said, people who have been there and have done all those things hands on, who feel a lil out of place when put in a position were you do nothing except sit and listen. I cant find any questions to ask that is inline with the topic. Because what i want to ask is not taught yet..=P

Im desperate to find someone who i can get into deep conversation with about many topics. Someone who is on the same frequency and level.. i miss debating with Mr. Seet and Han about ridiculous government politics. Talking to Is and Ah Lek about football matches and how we all dream of being football commentaries. Say Yee-my colleague called me yesterday, to ask about some miss placed stuff at office, and how im doing here. When i heard her voice when i answered the call.. mahnn. felt like crying. Shes on of those that i miss the most!! i miss elaine, lihong, michelle, jessie, ah lek, ken, tracy, chery, kelvin, crystal, seow huan, ms.Cho, yvonne, chooiping, jLo, fee yen, kingkong, mrSeet, mowmow..aihh too many people. and its just been a week since i left BOC..

goodness! im work sick! so work sick!

aihh now it think..working is so fun.. fun fun fun.. n not a milisecond is wasted. Now in Uni i feel like.. ohnoo there goes my precious time of in-betweens.. i shall enrich myself and occupy my whole brain by starting my assignments now.. then try to hand in well before the due date.

anyway.. this shall be my motto for the whole period..and a loong long time to come.

I am

Deeply loved

Richly blessed

Highly favoured and

Powerfully anointed by God.

I wonder what their CF is like.. will see tomoro =)

woaahh woahh.. God be the solution!!

oh boy~~ *big sigh*


im tired.. tired of thinking too much about things that obviously are purposeless.. anxiety, uncertainty of the next step, of the future.. aihh it has taken up too much space in my brain. CANNOT! just cannot go on. lets stop it now.

then, just the right word came at the right time. Thanks Holy Spirit ;)
Romans 8
vs5 for those who lived according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit, the things of the spirit.

vs6 for to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

vs8 so then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God. (OUCH!!! okok)

vs9 but you are NOT in the flesh but in THE SPIRIT, if INDEED THE SPIRIT OF GOD DWELLS IN YOU!! (knock knock.. Holy Spirit in hereee..) now, if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. (aiyoo.. terasa =_=)

vs10 and if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

then.. the best part..

vs15 for as many as are led by the spirit of God, THESE (only theeeezzz) are the sons of God. (daughters also) vs 17 and if children, then heirs- hiers of God and joint heirs with Christ..

ahh..!! dear Father God.. You dont speak so softly afterall huhh..

id be a useless heir if i dont realize that im an heir and live like an heir.. theres surely more to life than this.

This..THIS..! is my solution..to all the loud voices of worries and anxieties in my head for the past 10days.. This light of Your Word has shined on these darks area in my head.. and exposed them!! LEaving the 'upper room' totally lighted and liberated! Its Illuminated.

Tell u.. its in THESE times..really, when His strength is made perfect in our obvious weaknesses. How much more real can You be God. Always right beside me, prooving me wrong.

As David said in his Psalms 73:26

"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength(rock) of my heart and my portion forever."

God lets illuminate the world together. starting from people around me, my Uni, my friends.. Togederr gederr ok? ;)

my 2nd day at UNi..

this is an experience far beyond comprehendable..i was driving to Uni for the second day of orientation.. talking to God.. and realized that everything that im in now.. my car, the Uni im going to.. are all miracles in my life. Many months back..these werent even possible to exist now.. as in.. there were no signs of these things ever existing in my life. My last job at BOC.. the experience was even more unthinkable than the unthinkable.. better not think to much..

my 1st day was.. hmm.. really..very... interesting.. we had briefings throughout the day on many uninteresting but important issues. Course selection was rather messy tho.. the subjects offered had clashes... aihh bit sien.. im nervous like nuts about the subjects then there clashes.. but it worked out ok today.. played a step on the balloon game organized by the student council. iv met a comfortable amount of coursemates..so thats a relieve.. something funny..

we went to look for our head of school who was absent ytd.. (drove us all franctic due to lack of guidance) for him to approve our subjects.. wen we entered his room.. 1 thing struck me was that, he was rather young and had this permanant worried/tensed/confused look on his face.. that really seems like impossible to wipe off.. he looked so stressed , confused and tensed throughout our discussion.. i was really tempted to ask him "Mr.X, are u ok?, u need some water?" but then again..rather not put my reputation on the head of school's line on the 2nd day of Uni..if not..

Was talking to God again the other day.. wondering.. God u favoured me so so so much in BOC, in every aspect. How about the same amount of favour here? wouldnt that be great? or double amount? yes, i want to do Your business 1st, then all of it will be mine as well rite? ok. got it.

tomorrow there's...uhh.. Intro to Management and Organisional Theory.. aihh wonder what that's all about..

anyway.. Big change people..Big change.. Im still stuck in reality and unbelief.. and stuck in the clouds as well.. thats anther serious story..

when grace goes deep.

These are extracts from Max Lucado's book- Come Thirsty.

Its enlightening in the sense that, we often feel dry, know that we are thirsty, but dont know what to do about the thirst. Some even can't identify the reason they thirst. and go on being dehydrated. Iv been there too. Dehydrated but not drinking. Physically AND spiritually. But this stands out in my life that i am very grateful for: I dont really have great difficulty coming back to God. Not taking his grace for granted, but, the kind of person that i am, i often, as in very very often need God's assurance that He is there, with me every moment of the day. Therefore, i know that He is never far away. and even if i feel that He is far, this fact remains: God never moves, I have.

= Too many tasks. Keeping the robe spotless, the ring positioned, the sandals snug- who could meet such standards? Gift preservation begins to wear the young man. He avoids the Father he feels He cant please. He quits wearing the gifts he cant maintain..=

This passage struck me instantly. As i was talking to jiarong about some difficulties i faced in ministry and in serving, he reminded me that this is what happends when we rely on our own strength. In the midst of all the preparations and getting things in order, i missed the 1 important aspect of ministry: Its not ny might, nor by power, but by God's spirit. I thank God for these friends. For talking to me, through them.

Who determines your identity? What defines you? The day you were dropped? Or the day you were carried to the King's table?

I feel that this is the ultimate expression of Grace. Unearned and undeserved favour from our Father.

John Oxenham wrote in 1913:

GOD'S HANDWRITING

He writes in characters too grand
For our short sight to understand
We catch but broken stokes, and try
to fathom all the mystery
of withered hopes, of death, of life,
the endless war, the useless strive-
But there, with larger, clearer sight,
We shall see this0 His way was right.

God i thank You. For grace. For favour. For mercy. For Hope. and for a future. Amen.