tired. =P in cell group the other we were talking about what we do when we feel sad, stressed or just feel down.. some go shopping, eating, to go sleep, isolate themselves in the room, buy small but expensive things, go out with friends, or just laze around at home.. hahah mine was to get an EXPENSIVE branded blended drink.. it must be expensive and branded and something made out of coffee.. and perhaps.. something else thats small, smells good, branded and expensive as well teeHEee.. people who know me well enuff could guess this.
although we all know that this must never be someting we resort to when emotions get knocked off balance when things dont go the way we should, we're still aware that being human, its just natural.. and being girls, its EVEN more natural..rite rite?
i just had a really bad start to the day.. its funny how when you see something that reminds you about things that has happened years ago, can still affect you and bring all those emotions back.. as though it just happened yesterday. i was driving to a memorial service this morning, when as soon as i drove out my house lane, i saw an ambulance parked outside a distant neighbour's house. I slowed down too see and right enough, the vehicle was there to take away a dead person. My thoughts flashed back to 2 years a go when the same ambulance was outside my house, waiting to take my grandpa away. The time it took for the thing to actually arrive was agonising. I remember i was in a state of being completely lost in thoughts, didnt know what to think about. At one moment he was there looking up at me, as i turned my head then back again at him, he was gone. Just in a split second. I wonder if thats really how its going to be when Jesus comes back to get us. The bibke says that we'll be gone in a blink of an eye. and thats exactly how it was. He just might have been the first person that saw me when i was born; and i was the last person he saw before God took him back. The final gaze.. meant so much. At that very moment, it felt shattering, painful beyond words. He was one of the most important people in my life. Even now, after nearly 2 years, i still get choked up thinking about that last gaze. People who never saw it, could never feel it, and wpould never be able to understand how it feels. I feel privileged and honoured. Certainly re-living the moment can often be not such a good thing, but it does remind you of your priorities in life, brings you back to your roots, and propels you to into the future.
I want to live the life my grandpa had lived. Full of dignity, strength, confidence, kindness, goodness, generosity, love and integrity. No, i want to live it even better. The kind of standard God has for me. Everything I am, for His kingdom's cause.
My cell leader often conforted me in saying that, it's ok to still be sad and feel at loss, even after many years. But that softness and vuneribility must bring out the best in you. It must cause you to get up and move on. I've moved on with God. But still learning and still letting go of many things. As someone wrote, surrendering is never as easy doing it only once. It takes place everytime we come into God's presence. Im very down today, but its ok.
I bought a packet of Choky-Choky this morning. and promised myself to stop crying after i finished 1 Choky-Choky. Then I move on with God and....
No comments:
Post a Comment