something's missing

hah! i knew it! these few days opening up the new year has been nothing but weird. weird in the sense that i feel totally lost in transition or something.. something is missing but i just couldnt figure out what. im currently in the kind of sesat mode, where i have no idea if its someting wrong with me, or the things around me. most probably is me. i was not well the pass 3days and down with flu, fever, headache, body ache- the common combo.

now i'm suddenly awake at 4am, turning around, cant sleep. grabbed my computer and decided to check my email. and unsurprizingly, there it is. the daily e-mail from Ransomed Heart.com.

for today 4/1/08 the title is A Passionate Voice Within. here goes..

Some years into our spiritual journey, after the waves of anticipation that mark the beginning of any pilgrimage have begun to ebb into life’s middle years of service and busyness, a voice speaks to us in the midst of all we are doing. There is something missing in all of this, it suggests. There is something more.

The voice often comes in the middle of the night or the early hours of morning, when our hearts are most unedited and vulnerable. At first, we mistake the source of this voice and assume it is just our imagination. We fluff up our pillow, roll over, and go back to sleep. Days, weeks, even months go by and the voice speaks to us again: Aren’t you thirsty? Listen to your heart. There is something missing.

We listen and we are aware of . . . a sigh. And under the sigh is something dangerous, something that feels adulterous and disloyal to the religion we are serving. We sense a passion deep within; it feels reckless, wild.

We tell ourselves that this small, passionate voice is an intruder who has gained entry because we have not been diligent enough in practicing our religion. Our pastor seems to agree with this assessment and exhorts us from the pulpit to be more faithful. We try to silence the voice with outward activity, redoubling our efforts at Christian service. We join a small group and read a book on establishing a more effective prayer life. We train to be part of a church evangelism team. We tell ourselves that the malaise of spirit we feel even as we step up our religious activity is a sign of spiritual immaturity, and we scold our heart for its lack of fervor.

Sometime later, the voice in our heart dares to speak to us again, more insistently this time. Listen to me—there is something missing in all this. You long to be in a love affair, an adventure. You were made for something more. You know it.

- The Sacred Romance, ransomedheart.com

i think its the most ma fan thing, when it is the issue of the heart. We scold our heart for its lack of passion, for not being good enough and not measuring up to the standards that are set. Iv accomplished many things, yet I feel lousy about myself now. i wonder: how come others look like they're are measuring up, and doing so effortlessly? serving God has been joyful this pass Christmas season. Even while working through the night, minor conflicts with people groups and all, it was still joyful. After all this, a voice deep down comes and outrightly tells you, "Listen to me, there is something missing in all this. You were made for something more, you know it!"

yes ok. i know it. but what is it? what is that 'something more'?

all the answers to all these Qs are in the bible. now, this is the time i think i need to go into fasting and prayer. learn to see things from God's perspective. Worship is all about Him.

Yes God, i am thirsty. I'm listening now, and yes, there is something missing indeed.